Belief
by Gerald Tarrant and Quicksilver
Summary: Duo loses his cross, and speaks to a friend who had no idea who he was on the loss of his faith...


_Gundam Wing is property of Sotsu Agency, Bandai Studios, and TV Asahi. Sainan no Kekka and all original characters and plot copyright 2000 by Quicksilver and Gerald Tarrant. Please ask permission before reposting._

  
**SHIN KIDOU SENKI GUNDAM WING**

SAINAN NO KEKKA  
Belief: Helena

_"No one can know our loneliness  
And no one can see us weeping,  
All our tears from aching hearts  
While others are still sleeping."  
--Dedication to the Fallen Officer_

  
She hated camping, but she really had no excuse to avoid it.

Chris had gotten it into his head that an overnight trek into the dense forest that surrounded Cliffside would be fun, and Duo had quickly seconded the motion. Shinobu had shrugged in an accepting fashion, and Ilene had thought it a brilliant plan. 

That left her.

She had argued that the bugs would be out, to which Duo had produced a bug net and a couple cans of bug dope. Unrelenting, she insisted that the ground would be uncomfortable, but Ilene had embarrassed her by cheerfully agreeing, saying that it was "part of the experience". It was when Shinobu had calmly informed her that she could tape her favorite vid show (which she would be missing) that she almost screamed. Chris, though, looked at her with his liquid chocolate eyes, and she found any other objection she could come up with melt away. She was being childish. It was just that she liked her creature comforts.

That was how she found herself trailing along after Duo, who was chattering away happily at Shinobu in Japanese. Ilene was enthralled by the scenery, uncharacteristic silent as she inspected various aspects of the trail. Every now and then the group was forced to halt to let the girl inspect a mushroom or insect, or whatever had caught her attention.

Chris walked behind her, carrying a heavy bag on his soldiers. He was the largest, and had drawn the unfortunate task of lugging the tent. Duo and Shinobu were each toting large packs (Duo even had packed on and extra sleeping bag for Chris), but the tent was the heaviest thing. Every now and then he would direct Duo on the proper direction.

It would have made sense for Chris to lead, but Chris was not a leader by nature. That was Duo, or her. She refused to take responsibility for this crazy trip. She was positive it would end in disaster. Helena just hoped that she survived without breaking any bones.

Helena was not, to put it mildly, an outdoor type.

The tight French braid was almost giving her a headache, but she didn't care let it down. Ilene's pigtails were already attracting stray leaves, and she hated to think of the problems the other girl was going to have trying to brush it out. She'd suffer the almost-headache instead. She felt like she had been marching near forever when Chris finally glanced around and pronounced the site acceptable. 

Duo immediately set his pack down and made a display of stretching. "Oi.... man! I thought we'd never stop! I got dibs on the s'mores!"

"Duo, we have to sent camp up before we can begin to cook!" Ilene said. She set down her lighter backpack and walked over to Chris to help him take the tent out. "Now, if I remember right, we have to lay it out before we start to hammer the pegs in..." she said.

Shinobu was quietly building a fireplace, raking away dead leaves and finding large rocks to outline a circle. Helena sighed and collapsed on a nearby log, digging through her bag for more bug dope. She was afraid of getting eaten alive; the mosquitoes always seemed to prefer her blood. 

Duo, though, was active. One moment he was dropping down a pile of stones next to Shin, while the next he was gathering firewood. Once or twice he bounded over to Chris and offered opinions on the tent, but Ilene quickly shooed him away. Helena divided her time between watching him and watching the skillful way Chris dealt with the tent, despite the fact that this was only his fourth time camping. 

"I hate this," she muttered, scratching at a newly forced bug bite. "Why did I let you talk me into this?"

"Because you can't say no when Chris really wants something?" Duo teased from across the camp.

She threw her pillow at him.

Eight hours later, after a pile of s'mores and a night of teasing and ghost stories, Duo and Helena were the only ones still away. The night, while chill, was beautiful out and the others had decided to sleep under the stars. Helena was unable to sleep on the ground (she suspected that Ilene had purposely snuck some extra rocks under her sleeping bag), and Duo never seemed to run out of energy. He claimed to have once gone five days without sleeping, and she believed him.

Duo was sitting by the fire, staring into it. She sat close to him, resisting the needed to cuddle in. She had Chris, but Duo was awake, and the sweater he was wearing looked soft. She was a tactile person, unable to resist touching things. Firmly she suppressed the urge to move in closer.

Helena caught the glint of something golden around Duo's neck. "What's that?" she asked curiously, pointing at it. He had never struck her as the kind to wear a necklace. Perhaps it was some token he had exchanged with his girlfriend, the one he wouldn't talk about.

"Huh?" He reached up and felt his neck, and his eyes widened in horror as the slim gold chain fell off into his hand. "Oh, shit..... I broke it."

"It can be fixed," she said soothingly. "I know a good jeweler in Burlington- I'll drop it off for you the next time I head to town."

His eyes seemed to be wider then his face could contain. "You don't understand. I had a cross on it... it's very special."

She rose to her feet. "We'll wake the others up, see if they saw it."

He shook his head. "No- if they did, it'll still be there in the morning. If not... well, it's gone."

"When was the last time you had it?" she asked.

"I always wear it under my shirt. The last time I remember it was when I got dressed this morning after my shower."

"Maybe it's in your room."

. Duo looked skeptical. "Perhaps."

"Or... could you stand up?"

"Sure," he said, still distracted.

"Excuse me," she apologized." Helena went over to him and jerked his shirt out of his pants.

"HEY!" he protested, pulling out of her grasp. A flush of embarrassment was working its way up his neck.

"I said excuse me!" Glancing around, she smiled as she saw something on the ground. "Thought so!" she gloated as she bent to pick up the large, yet simple, golden cross. "It fell down your shirt, and since it was tucked in, it was caught."

"Thank you!" he said, relief flooding his eyes.

Helena stared at the cross in her hands. "I thought you didn't follow any religion," she said thoughtfully.

Duo's eyes were fastened on the religious artifact. "Where would you get an idea like that?" His voice was distant and she had the feeling that he was lost in his memories, at another time and place.

"You never go to any of the services, not even on the major holidays. I know Father Monica has tried several times to convince you to come to our Midnight Mass on Christmas, but you always made an excuse, even though I knew you weren't doing anything. And I remember how you maneuvered your way out of Comparative Religions this semester."

"I used to be Catholic, a long time ago."

"What happened?" she asked softly, clenching the cross. It bit into the fleshy part of her palm, and she knew that when she opened her fist, the marks would be engraved on her skin.

"God died."

She blinked once, twice. She had never considered herself religious. Helena's family was Episcopalian, like many old American families. Still, she was known as a "Chreaster", someone who only went on Easter and Christmas, because it was expected. She took communion, but never felt the bond with Christ that was supposed to bring. At times she had wondered if there was a God, but now she knew.

She loved God. The idea that he was dead.... it burned her to her soul.

"How can you say such a thing?" 

Duo's smile wasn't bitter, only sad. He picked up a nearby stick and started to poke throw the dimly glowing embers of the fire, stirring it back to life for brief seconds. "Have you ever known someone who is not quite of this world?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... someone who knows -not believes, knows- that's there's something bigger then them, and trusts that fate will take its course."

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

Duo turned the stick over in his hands, then stared up at the sky. "Someone who is good."

"Good? Good at what?"

His laugh was forced. "People aren't black or white. Most people are a mixture of good and evil, though most try to do good. I knew a boy. Over his life, he met some people who were pure evil -something he hadn't believed was possible. Selfish, cruel, destructive.... sadistic. People who reveled in their dark side."

She maintained her silence, hoping he would continue, even if it was in the third person. Duo rarely opened up, but he considered her safe. She wasn't a romantic interest, wasn't a rival, and didn't want anything out of him. She was honored that he trusted her- until she had met him, she hadn't realized what a precarious thing friendship really was. And how special friendship could be when it was true. She had the feeling Duo would walk through fire for her, and finally realized that she would do the same for him. Friendships like that were special, and something to be cherished.

"That boy started to lose hope. He didn't grow up in the best environment, but I think he saw more of humanity's savagery then most people do in a lifetime before he was ten. Then he met them."

The embers from the fire seemed to flare on cue, and she shivered, wondering she felt like someone had just walked over her grave. To avoid watching the flames, she stared at the cross, consciously loosening her grip. "Who were they?"

Duo looked at her. "The personification of humanity's strength." His hand extended and his eyes focused on his cross. "Can I have it back?"

She handed it over, wondering why she felt bereft when the cross fell into his hands. He pocketed it quickly, giving her a quick thank you. He started to rise to his feet. "Duo?" she asked.

"Yes?" He resettled into his seat.

"You never asked me. Why is God dead?"

"Because to a child, seeing those people who are truly good die is like seeing the death of all hope. And to me, God meant hope. How could there be a God if he let good people die?"

"People die all the time. We are born, we live, and we die. It's a cycle."

"That's natural. I agree- but what about when the deaths aren't?"

"Meaning?"

"Murder by corrupt forces, murder by the people who should have been protecting them. You know why I wear a cross?"

"Obviously not through faith." It made her feel melancholy.

"To remind me... of that boy. Of that boy who was given a cross by people he'd learned to love, and finally learned to begin to believe in. And of those same people who weren't protected by the God they followed so faithfully."

"If they followed him so faithfully, and the boy had so much trust, wouldn't it be a better memorial to continue their beliefs?"

Duo looked at her, and caught her hand gently in his. "You're so innocent," he said wistfully. "I hope you never have reason to change."

She wasn't able to think of a response. At that moment, he looked old enough to be her grandfather.

"We'd better turn in. We have a long hike back to civilization tomorrow." He added an extra log to the fire and moved back into the shadows, where his sleeping bag lay.

After a long, tiring hike back to Cliffside Heights, Helena's instincts were screaming for her to head to the bathroom to grab a long soak, but she knew that she had something more important to do first.

She rummaged through her over-sized jewelry box, muttering. Her mother was something of a world traveler, and was constantly sending a unique piece that had caught her eye. Most of them were elaborate and unsuited to what she wanted to do, but finally she found a 36' chain what wasn't too elaborate, or too delicate. Giving it a quick jerk, she nodded in satisfaction to notice that it was pliable, but not fragile. 

She quickly hurried up the stairs to the fifth floor, and over to room 564, which Duo shared with Chris. This was the first time she'd ever gone looking for Duo.

She knocked on the door gentle, and heard Duo call out for her to come in. She stepped into the room, not at all surprised to see him staring reflectively out over Lake Champlain. He had a fascination with it, something She and Ilene teased him about. Chris, though, wasn't there, which made it easier. She wouldn't have to explain.

"Chris is in the shower. I'll have him call you when he gets back," Duo said, falsely anticipating her needs.

"I didn't come to see him. I came for you." She quickly walked across the room before she thought better of it. "Here you go," she said. She held out the glistening chain, which caught the light and reflected it as though it had been made for this purpose. At that moment, the chain became more then a piece of metal; it became a symbol. Or friendship...of trust...and a promise.

_You're not alone, Duo. Your friends are here. All you have to do is let us in._

Duo looked surprised. "Um, I'm not the jewelry type. Beside, won't Chris get jealous?" he teased.

She gave him a gentle smile. "It's for you, until you get your old chain fixed," she said softly. "It's not too feminine, and I think your cross should look okay on it."

He reached out in a tentative fashion, which she reacted to by laying it across his hand gently. "You may not believe in God right now, but you want to. Someday you'll find it within yourself to believe again, and when you do, your cross should be with you."

Duo's blue-violet eyes looked moist, but no tears fell. "Thank you. It means something to know you care." He took the cross out of his pocket and threaded the chain through the loop, then slipped it over his head. 

She smiled as she saw the cross rest right over his heart. She'd never seen it on him before, but it looked right there. "Not just me. Ilene, Chris, Shinobu...you have many friends. If you can't believe in God, believe in your friends." She reached up and touched the cross, smiling up into his eyes.

He smiled back. 

Back to Sainan no Kekka 


End file.
